You Put WHAT in my Coffee?
by kr0ne
Summary: A series of AU drabbles centering around Fíli/Kíli. Durincest warning.


You Put WHAT in my Coffee?

Chapter One: Why is there blood on the ceiling?

A/N: Alright, so this is my first Hobbit submission! It's AU so that I can practice with the characters personalities before I start writing out stories that are Canon. Or at least IN the Hobbit 'verse. There will be a name guide for the characters at the end of this chapter. I'm not sure how many chapters there will be, but enjoy!

* * *

He was just about to leave for his lunch break when his phone rang.

Looking at the number, Fíli snorted as his baby brothers face popped up on his iPhone. "I'm just leaving for lunch, Kíli. Can whatever it is wa-"

Kíli quickly interrupted him, "Uh, normally I'd say yes, but I kinda... broke things."

"What?" Fíli paused, his car keys dangling from his hand. Blinking, he was hesitant to continue. "When you say things... what exactly do you mean?"

"Well, uh..." It was never a good thing when Kíli said the phrase 'uh'. "I was trying to cook some chicken in the oven and, uh... It kinda of... _exploded_..."

…Exploded? "It _what_? Kíli, can you explain this to me-"

And he was once again cut off as his brother groaned slightly to himself. "Shit, I'm getting blood in my eye. Hold on, let me get a paper tow-"

"_Blood?!_" Now it was Fíli's turn to interrupt. Blood was never a good sign. Especially since Kíli downplayed _everything_ when it came to him hurting himself. "Killian, I'm coming home now. For Christ sake, don't fucking do anything else until I get there. Go sit down – _now_."

"But Fee, I'm fi-"

Fíli quickly hung up, stopping anything else his brother wanted to say. Shooting a quick text to his boss to let him know that he might have to leave for the rest of the day – thank God it was just Bobby today and not Dwayne – he quickly got into his truck, peeling out of his parking spot without a second thought as he rushed home the the apartment he shared with his stupid, annoying, worrisome baby brother.

* * *

Coming to a screeching halt in his space, Fíli didn't even bother trying to straighten out his parking job – an OCD habit of his - before he was making a beeline into the building and up the stairs to the fourth floor. As soon as he got close enough, he could smell the ever-telling sign of _something_ burning as he wretched the door open to their apartment.

Well, at least the living room looked normal.

"Fee!"

Turning his gaze towards the voice, Fíli couldn't help but put a hand to his forehead in exasperation. On the couch in their tiny living room sat his dark-haired younger sibling, looking absolutely pitiful. His curly mop of hair, inherited from their mother's side of the family, stuck up in odder looking angles than what was normal for him. Face slightly blackened and shirt torn in various areas, he looked almost like a little boy again with the way he hunched his shoulders and pouted. Were it not for these factors, as well as the sizable cut just over his left eye, Fíli would have thought he had just done something stupid like shrinking one of his older brother's shirts.

Again.

"_Killian_," oh, how his brother hated when he used his full first name. "This is seriously making me question leaving you here alone."

He shouldn't have been surprised. Really, he shouldn't have been at all.

"It wasn't my fault!" Kíli stood up quickly, dark eyes wide. "It was that stupid ov – _shit_," he stopped mid-sentence, clutching his head as he wavered on his feet.

As soon as his brother had sworn, Fíli was practically all over his brother. He wrapped one arm tightly around the younger's waist while is other hand went straight for his hair, pushing curls back to examine the deep – though no longer bleeding – gash on his forehead. "Are you alright?"

"Y-yeah... my head is just pounding. I think I slammed my head when I fell back from the glass explosion," he muttered, pulling his head from his brother's hand only to rest it on his collarbone a moment after.

"I hope you know this means hospital trip," Fíli murmured, his tone daring his brother to argue with him as his fingers sifted through curls.

Surprisingly, his brother was compliant. "I figured as much. Second time in two and a half months."

"Those nurses are going to think I'm abusing you."

"Hey, it wasn't _my_ fault that Ori managed to actually get me in the face with the baseball bat last time. Poor kid normally can't hit a wall if it's in front of his face!"

The blonde snorted. "Yeah, but I don't think the doctor believed that you got two black eyes and a broken nose from that."

"Yeah, well, screw him." Kíli lifted his head, giving his brother a slight grin. He carded his hands up and into the older's long hair, the normally precise low ponytail coming undone, before pulling him in for a brief kiss. "Does this mean we get to cuddle after the hospital? Oh, maybe, get some Chinese? Cause, I mean, I don't think you'll have time to go back to work after this."

"Yes," Fíli sighed, pressing a kiss to his brother's sooty temple. "Sometimes I wonder if you plan this. And anyway, how did you even manage to blow up glass?"

"Well, uh..." Ah, and there he goes again. "I... sort of forgot that the burner was still on... after I pulled the chicken out of the oven... while it was burning..."

"...And your definition of burning is...?"

"Oh, definitely on fire. Huge flames. I'm lucky I didn't burn the apartment down." Fíli rolled his eyes, raising a blonde eyebrow. "Don't ask me how I managed to put it out."

"I don't think I even want to know..." He set Kíli down on the couch, his hand lingering on the darker's forehead for a moment before deciding to assess his brother's destruction. "After all, I'm still questioning on how you managed to create a fire and explode a glass dish and only come out with a few cuts and possibly a concussion."Shouldering his way through the swinging door of their kitchen, and ignoring his brother's shout of '_Luck!_' from the other room, he briefly took in the damage with a shake of his head. It wasn't pretty, but nothing he couldn't handle – thank God he went into carpentry. It wasn't until he was turning to leave that he noticed something very... strange. Looking up, he tilted his head to the side in question.

" Kíli?"

"Hm?"

"How did you manage to get _blood_ on the _ceiling_?"

* * *

A/N:

Fíli - Finlay  
Kíli - Killian  
Bofur - Bobby  
Dwalin - Dwayne.

I'll add the other characters as they come along. Some will have their "nicknames" - or in verse names - used and some, well, may not if I can't come up with a good reason as to WHY they have such an odd nickname.

Anyone have a good idea for Thorin?

Also, send me prompts! I love receiving them. My tumblr is LittleBrotherKili.


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